Written By: Betsy Aniol, Crescent Moon Advanced Clinical Intern, and Jenny White, Clinical Manager
As we enter into the December holiday season, we may begin to reminisce about the past year and all the things we did or didn’t accomplish. Self-critical thinking can sneak into our minds in the form of “shoulds” and regrets:
I should be over it by now.
I should be pregnant by now.
I should be married by now.
I should have my life together by now.
I should be…
These are just a few examples of how grief can show up in different ways that may not initially look like grief on the outside. Grief, as defined by the American Psychological Association, expands our typical understanding of grief…
“The anguish experienced after significant loss, usually the death of a beloved person… Grief often includes physiological distress, separation anxiety, confusion, yearning, obsessive dwelling on the past, and apprehension about the future. Intense grief can become life-threatening through disruption of the immune system, self-neglect, and suicidal thoughts. Grief may also take the form of regret for something lost, remorse for something done, or sorrow for a mishap to oneself.”
When facing the “shoulds” in your mind, it can be helpful to first ask yourself: who actually is saying that in your mind? What expectations have you been taught, given, or taken on? Identifying where we received these internal messages can help us to consider what we actually desire for ourselves versus what we were told to desire for ourselves. What is our grief to hold versus what are external expectations we can learn to break free from?
Think of grief like a flower bulb: When we plant bulbs in the fall, they may seem to do nothing until spring. What we can’t see is that the bulb is developing and expanding its root system while dormant so that it has enough nutrients to bloom come springtime. Like these bulbs, we can grow even when life doesn’t happen or look the way we want it or expect it to; we have the opportunity to deepen our roots by fostering a sense of connection with ourselves and others.
Like the flower bulb resting beneath the surface of the ground, feelings of grief can feel or look invisible to others and even yourself. Acknowledging and identifying the presence of grief is important. Feelings won’t go away simply because you tell them to or shove them under a mental rug. Like a flower bulb, our feelings need to be tended to.
Take time for yourself. Holidays can be a stressful time for anyone, let alone if you’re processing complex feelings. Do more of what helps you feel centered, whether it be more alone time, more crying, more creative expression, more time spent with friends, more time outside, pampering yourself, or seeking out additional mental health support.
And if you need to temporarily place the feelings of grief outside of your mind, that is also okay. Simple visualization exercises such as placing the feelings of grief in a box to sort through later can help. It is not weak to nourish your heart and mind – like a flower bulb, you need this nourishment to bloom.
References
APA. (n.d.). Grief. American Psychological Association. https://www.apa.org/topics/grief
