Most partners find that welcoming a child into the home requires us to shift identities, roles, and the expectations we have for each other. Often, these expectations go unspoken, and we may not even be aware of the expectations we are holding! Sleepless nights, changing hormones, and constant new experiences can leave us feeling depleted and overwhelmed. When our expectations for how our partners should behave remain unspoken and unmet, we can begin to feel resentment on top of our overwhelm.
Whether we are anxiously awaiting the arrival of our child or are in the trenches of early parenthood, it can be helpful to have conversations with our partner about our expectations regarding how we will manage caretaking, household chores, and the new mental and emotional load that parenthood requires.
Conversation starters:
- What are some tasks that you take care of that I may not see or know about?
- Do you feel that our division of labor is equitable?
- Are there tasks you feel you could use more help with?
A conversation around these topics may reveal that our partner views parenthood from a more traditional lens and expects that since they are working full-time, that the majority of childcare should fall to the partner with the more flexible schedule. This division of labor may be what our partner learned from their own family. We may have grown up in a more non-traditional family structure and expect a more equitable division of caretaking responsibilities. Our own families and the types of families we grew up around can have a deep impact on our expectations for our own families.
Conversation starters:
- What roles did you see your parents play in caretaking and in the home?
- Are there any family traditions you enjoyed?
- What parts of your upbringing would you like to avoid repeating?
Conversations around our roles and expectations as new parents may require us to explore how and where we developed our ideas of gender roles, family structure, and how a household is managed. We may be surprised to discover what our partners did and did not like about how they were raised. We may uncover ways of structuring our family that are new to both of us and require some trial and error. When our expectations are laid out on the table between us, we can begin the work to create a family life that feels intentional, rather than reactive.
If these are conversations you would like to have, but you need help getting started or find yourselves needing more support, the therapists at Crescent Moon Therapy are here to help.
