Parenting can be a source of immense joy and meaning. And it can leave us feeling utterly exhausted, overwhelmed, and inadequate.
Identifying personal values is a way parents can center themselves, whether you’re feeling depleted after a long day with an infant going through a sleep regression or trying to hold it together in the middle of a tantrum.
Are personal values the same as family values? No, although there may be overlap. With family values, we may envision what we want our homes to feel like or the shared principles we hope to pass down to our children. But how often do we pause to consider the personal values that we as individuals live by each day?
What are personal values?
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) defines values as how we want to show up for ourselves, for the people that are important to us, and in the places that matter to us. Values represent the qualities we want to possess: how we treat ourselves, others, and the world around us.
- Values serve as our compass, our sense of direction.
- There are no right or wrong values (like ice cream flavors, favorite colors, or other personal preferences).
- Values are chosen. While values may align with familial, cultural, or religious identities, they are qualities that you have considered and identified as truly important to you. In other words, values are not what others think you should value.
Find a list of common values here. For a brief history and overview of ACT, you can read more here.
Why are personal values important in parenting?
Parenting challenges us in ways we may not have envisioned. It can be much harder than we anticipated to show up as the parent that we thought we would be, and parents often hold themselves to unattainably high standards.
Our self-worth, emotional wellbeing, and sense of accomplishment can become deeply intertwined with the behaviors, thoughts, and feelings of another human being.
Living by our values is the variable we can control.
Personal values can provide a powerful antidote to many of the painful thoughts and feelings parenting stirs up: fear, anxiety, frustration, disappointment, inadequacy, shame, social comparison, and more.
Focusing on our values can redirect our attention, shift our perspective, and give us the space we need to reduce reactivity.
Values allow us to reframe our experiences.
Your toddler refuses to get in the bath after you’ve asked nicely at least 10 times (you’ve already tried “connection first” and everything else the parenting experts on Instagram told you will work). It’s getting late, you’re stressed about bedtime (sleep is critical for brain development!), and you’re exhausted. You lose your cool (because you are human), raise your voice, and your child ends up crying. You feel terrible.
It is easy to spiral into guilt and shame. “I’m such a bad mom.” “I lost my cool again!” “I’m ruining my child.”
Values can reshape this experience. Let’s say one of your values is accountability. This value can shift your focus and guide how you respond. You can take responsibility for your actions, apologize, and repair with your child. You have lived your value of accountability (and modeled healthy behaviors for your child in the meantime).
Here’s another example.
You’re on week five of maternity leave. The house is a disaster, the sink is full of dishes, and you didn’t get to a single load of laundry. You feel like you’ve accomplished nothing and feel frustrated and overwhelmed.
But what if one of the values you have identified as most important to you is caring? You spent your day feeding, soothing, and changing your baby. You also managed to shower (no small feat), order groceries, and take the baby and dog for a walk.
Your actions aligned with your value of caring for yourself and others. This can help shift your perspective on what you’ve accomplished and redirect your attention to what truly matters to you.
Want support in helping identify your personal values?
Individual therapy for moms can provide a supportive space for to explore how we want to show up for ourselves, for the people that are important to us, and in the places that matter to us. If you’re ready to clarify your values, find what really matters to you, or simply want support navigating the shifting demands of parenting, the team at Crescent Moon Therapy can help.
